Airplane diaries - Episode 1

When I was a child, I always wanted to be an airplane pilot and loved anything and everything to do with airplanes. In fact, I remember forcing my mom into buying me a toy airplane on my 11th birthday - at that age, she obviously expected me to be asking for something like board games! but there I was going woosh..woosh with my plastic airplane (in hindsight it does feel stupid, but hey I was a child..). Well, today I am not an airline pilot and if my skills at Flight Simulator should be any indicator of the kind of pilot I would be, the world should probably thank my destiny for not allowing me to become one.

However, destiny couldn't keep me away from planes for too long. In my job I have had to travel a lot within the US and international. Travelling means that you spend a lot of time inside the aluminium tube (i.e the plane) or at the airport waiting for it.  And I have a few memorable  moments (some bizarre, some quiet ordinary) from my trips that I think are worth sharing through this blog

Episode 1

Trip : Cincinatti to Newark

Type of Plane : Embraer RJ145 (the little brazilian jet - you know, the kind that bounces in the air to a pigeons fart)

Why I remember this flight : 

Boarding is complete, the doors have been locked and everyone is seated with their belts fastened. I'am in seat 1B (just behind the cockpit) listening to my ipod and checking out the cute blonde flight attendant seated diagonally opposite to me. The captain proudly announces that our flight has been cleared for take off.  

We taxi smoothly for a while and then just before the plane gets to the main runway, it suddenly comes to a screeching halt ! If not for the seat belts, I would have found myself in the cockpit (at least partially fulfilling my dream of becoming a pilot).  The cute blonde flight attendant has a perplexed look on her face, so we figure that she is about as clueless as we are... 

A few seconds later, the phone next to her rings, she picks it and just listens. Then she pushes another button and on the PA she announces "Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has detected a malfunction and has requested the services of a flight engineer, we will be ready for take off soon after this has been resolved..we apologize..blah blah blah"  

So, we patiently wait for the flight engineer and since I am in seat 1B, I get to see how the events unfold. About ten minutes later the flight engineer drives up to the plane and gets into it. He is dressed in his overhauls and carries a toolkit (he reminds me of Bob the Builder, I don't know why). At this point the cockpit door opens and I get to see the captain and the co-pilot. They are both looking at a yellow light on the dashboard that is blinking and as the engineer walks in they mumble something to him. I try poking my ears out and hear a few words such as "I think it is broken" , "I will try to reboot" and "not sure if that is safe". At this point I slowly begin to get nervous.I then see the pilot turn on/off a few switches, push/pull a lever and push some more buttons at the advise of Bob the builder. The yellow light continues to blink and the pilot uses the 'f' word and mutters something else.The three of them then turn around, look at us passengers with a confused look and close the cockpit door behind them! Now, I'am beginning to sweat.I want to get up and say that this is not helping at all.But I know I'am at their mercy now in this malfunctioning aluminium tube and don't want to distract them to make things worse. Anyway, I am privately hoping that they cancel this flight, take it back to the gate and put us on another one.I am prepared to wait at the airport however long it takes. 

After 15 agonizing minutes, I experience a deja vu - the phone rings, the cute blonde flight attendant picks it, listens, nods her head and finally pushes the PA button to let us in on the secret. She announces that the flight engineer has identified the problem to be a defective part that will have to be replaced. So, naturally the next thing I expect to hear is that we will be pulled back to the gate, deplaned and transferred to another one. Instead, she says that the engineer will drive back to the airline workshop to fetch a new part and we should be taking off soon after he replaces it ! I don't seem to like this idea and the guy beside me agrees - he looks equally nervous. 

After her announcement, the blonde flight attendant (she doesn't seem cute to me anymore) walks around the plane to check on the passengers. We ask her if everything is OK and if getting off this plane would be a better option. She smiles, looks at us as if we are labrador puppies and says there is nothing to worry, that it happens all the time and once the part is replaced, we will be good to go. I think to myself yeah right ! and what is the guarantee that the replaced part will not fail when we are at 20,000 feet! there can always be the first time, right? maybe we should not be putting this plane into the air until it is fully tested? 

Well, nobody seemed to care about what I thought anyway. Our Bob the builder returned with a replacement part a short while later.I saw the replacement part he was holding in his hand like a trophy - it was a small box with some wires popping out of it. He went into the cockpit mumbling again to the pilots, seemed to be doing something behind the door and then walked out wishing the pilots "Have a good flight guys" and I could swear that he looked at me and said "Best of luck"

A side note: I am a brave guy when it comes to roller coasters (for the record I have done Kingda Ka and Nitro at Six Flags, Kraken at Seaworld and Hulk at Universal Studios).  They don't scare me, in fact the taller they get the more excited I get. BUT, when it comes to flying I'am a bit more apprehensive - probably because once airborne, planes don't cling on to any rails unlike roller coasters. So, quiet understandably this whole episode made me pretty nervous and I was praying the entire trip back to Newark...

How did it end? Well, the plane took off after a 90 minute delay and those were the longest 90 minutes of my life..and after the plane took off, I think my heart stopped beating for the next 2 hours until it landed at Newark.  From that day on, I try not to sit in the front row where I might get a direct view of such events that "happen all the time". I've wised up and learnt that there is a lot of meaning to the saying "Ignorance is bliss"

I have a few more real life experiences while travelling that have given me the shivers and will post them when I get the time...

Dosa Nazi

If you have lived in the Edison/Iselin area or even visited it to get the 'community feeling', you probably would have visited or heard about this little south indian vegetarian restaurant called "Dosa Express" on Green St. As the name suggests, this place is famous for it's Dosas. I particularly love the Mysore Masala Dosa and I think the sambar here is just awesome and so is the fresh coconut chutney. 

However, this post is not about the exotic flavors of the crispy dosas on the menu, but about the entire experience at the restaurant. This 'Dosa Express' is run by a guy from Karnataka who will instantly reject any of your 'I'am also from Karnataka' overtures. It's like he doesn't want to be associated with anyone from his home state in India (may be because we may demand discounts).  At first glance, this guy will remind you of the hindi movie actor 'Jagdeep' (who played Surma Bhopali in the classic "Sholay").  As if that were not enough, he is assisted by his wife who can only be described by the title of this post (Seinfield fans will immediately get the drift).  She can be very initimidating and her cold look will make you feel like a dart board being bombarded with the 'No Dosa For You' darts (I'am pretty certain she uses her customer as target practice in a mental dart board game she is playing all the time)

As an architect by profession, I always believe that best practices and lessons learned should always be shared. Stephen Covey might have written the "Seven Habits" series, but they will never help you get your prized dosa. At this place, you don't buy a Dosa, you earn it !

So, for the brave ones looking to undertake a culinary adventure at 'Dosa Express', here are my "SEVEN RULES TO EARN YOUR DOSA" 

Rule # 1 - Be CLEAR about what you want to eat. READ the menu thoroughly, unnecessary questions are not appreciated. Asking the difference between a 2 layer and a 3 layer dosa may cost you the dosa - you are warned !

Rule # 2 - When you approach the lady to place your order, make sure you are READY and I mean absolutely certain about what you want to your order. Any changes to your order, rethinking, or fumbling will throw you to the back of the line (don't even try to argue that, you may not get your dosa at all)

Rule # 3 - Always keep the right amount of change, DO NOT ask if she accepts Credit card ! Offenders are punished with being sent to the back of the line. Repeat offenders may lose the privilege to order!

Rule # 4 - Be informed that once you pay, you will be handed a receipt that includes a number. That, my friend, is your ticket to the dream dosa - loose that piece of paper and you have lost your right to the dosa - NO arguments shall be entertained (even if you are the only customer and she knows that it was your order)

Rule # 5 - You might have paid, BUT the dosa becomes your own only by presenting the ticket mentioned in # 4 above. Now, also be aware that if your order is large enough, it may be split into multiple servings (for eg. idli/vadas may be given to you before the dosa). Please KEEP the receipt once you pick the part order - else be prepared to lose the rest of the order - no arguments shall be entertained (again, even if you are the only customer and she knows that it was your order)

Rule # 6 - When your order is ready (partial or complete), our Jagdeep look alike will yell your ticket number into a microphone that is amplified by a PA system (easily audible a few blocks away). At this point, don't faint, just walk calmly to the counter and get your order. DO NOT ask him questions like "Where is the other Dosa?".The worst thing to say is "This is not what I ordered". The response could be anything from Dosa in your face or sambar on your pants - I recommend you just pick whatever he gives you and enjoy it.

Rule # 7 - This is important. You are given one small bowl of sambar and an even smaller bowl of chutney with every order. Now, this is considered complementary, so NEVER EVER go back for more sambar. If you dare ask, you WILL be scolded like your parents never did, reminding you of them and also making you miss them more. Although it is difficult, try not to cry. Btw, crying doesn't help either.

All said and done guys, believe me the dosa here is worth every penny and every ounce of effort that goes into earning it. With this post I just shared a lighter moment as I recollect my experiences at this place which I still vouch makes the best dosas around here in New Jersey. 

I guess I can sum it up with this comment that another customer made privately to me as we were leaving after a nice breakfast - "Jagdeep bhai, 3 dollar ke dosa ke liye, itna naatak?" (So much drama for a $3 dosa !)

Look under S

We have this local desi video library - the kind where they buy 1 original dvd, make 15 'original copies' and rent each one for 2 bucks a day. The library rents out dvds amongst other things like selling fake pearls,imitation jewelery and phony phone cards...the guy who usually sits at the counter has some attitude (something tells me that he believes he looks like Sharukh, but that's for another blog).

Although it happened a while ago, I remember this incident very vividly. It was one of those lazy Saturday afternoons that my wife gets into the mood to watch the hindi oldie 'Satte pe Satta'. Not to disappoint her, we drive to this library (did I tell you it goes by the name 'Sound of Music'). She browses through the mess of DVDs in the shelf that are supposedly arranged in an alphabetical order but doesn't find it. After scouring through the entire section top to bottom, left to right she checks with one of the assistants who swears that they have that movie in the store but can't find it either. The assistant suggests that we inquire with his boss at the counter who has a computer that holds the secrets to many national treasures and possibly the DVD we are looking for too...

So, she goes to counter and asks our wannabe Sharukh if he can help find the DVD for 'Satte pe Satta' and gets a response in a seemingly arrogant tone - "Look under S..."

My wife, not the type to be at a loss of words when it comes to smart alecs, calmly responds - "Oh really?, I was looking under T, thanks so much for the refresher on English alphabets"

Somehow, I don't think our NJ version of Sharukh got the sarcasm....he still had the look on his face that said "How could you NOT figure that out? (to look for the movie under S)"

Well..what else can I say  :)

Coming to our taste...

I can never forget this guy from Andhra that we used to meet at the bus stop while waiting for the shuttle that took us to the train station.

Why? because something he said and the way that he said it was so amusing. And btw, I didn't hear this myself, it was narrated to me...and I still thought it was funny ;)

And this is the version I heard - 

One of the days at the bus stop, the desi crowd was debating the best restaurants in and around Woodbridge. This guy concluded that "Dosa Express" and "Alibaba Express" made the best pulav and biryani in the area. When the rest of the folks wanted to know why he thinks they are the best, he says - "you see, I'am from hyderabad and these are the only places that serve the biryani that is coming to our taste ", you've got to hear this in the right context to find it funny..... 

I for sure still use that phrase to jokingly express my liking towards any particular restaurant - I always say, "Baas, lets dine here, this is one place where the food is coming to our taste" 

:)