Dosa Nazi

If you have lived in the Edison/Iselin area or even visited it to get the 'community feeling', you probably would have visited or heard about this little south indian vegetarian restaurant called "Dosa Express" on Green St. As the name suggests, this place is famous for it's Dosas. I particularly love the Mysore Masala Dosa and I think the sambar here is just awesome and so is the fresh coconut chutney. 

However, this post is not about the exotic flavors of the crispy dosas on the menu, but about the entire experience at the restaurant. This 'Dosa Express' is run by a guy from Karnataka who will instantly reject any of your 'I'am also from Karnataka' overtures. It's like he doesn't want to be associated with anyone from his home state in India (may be because we may demand discounts).  At first glance, this guy will remind you of the hindi movie actor 'Jagdeep' (who played Surma Bhopali in the classic "Sholay").  As if that were not enough, he is assisted by his wife who can only be described by the title of this post (Seinfield fans will immediately get the drift).  She can be very initimidating and her cold look will make you feel like a dart board being bombarded with the 'No Dosa For You' darts (I'am pretty certain she uses her customer as target practice in a mental dart board game she is playing all the time)

As an architect by profession, I always believe that best practices and lessons learned should always be shared. Stephen Covey might have written the "Seven Habits" series, but they will never help you get your prized dosa. At this place, you don't buy a Dosa, you earn it !

So, for the brave ones looking to undertake a culinary adventure at 'Dosa Express', here are my "SEVEN RULES TO EARN YOUR DOSA" 

Rule # 1 - Be CLEAR about what you want to eat. READ the menu thoroughly, unnecessary questions are not appreciated. Asking the difference between a 2 layer and a 3 layer dosa may cost you the dosa - you are warned !

Rule # 2 - When you approach the lady to place your order, make sure you are READY and I mean absolutely certain about what you want to your order. Any changes to your order, rethinking, or fumbling will throw you to the back of the line (don't even try to argue that, you may not get your dosa at all)

Rule # 3 - Always keep the right amount of change, DO NOT ask if she accepts Credit card ! Offenders are punished with being sent to the back of the line. Repeat offenders may lose the privilege to order!

Rule # 4 - Be informed that once you pay, you will be handed a receipt that includes a number. That, my friend, is your ticket to the dream dosa - loose that piece of paper and you have lost your right to the dosa - NO arguments shall be entertained (even if you are the only customer and she knows that it was your order)

Rule # 5 - You might have paid, BUT the dosa becomes your own only by presenting the ticket mentioned in # 4 above. Now, also be aware that if your order is large enough, it may be split into multiple servings (for eg. idli/vadas may be given to you before the dosa). Please KEEP the receipt once you pick the part order - else be prepared to lose the rest of the order - no arguments shall be entertained (again, even if you are the only customer and she knows that it was your order)

Rule # 6 - When your order is ready (partial or complete), our Jagdeep look alike will yell your ticket number into a microphone that is amplified by a PA system (easily audible a few blocks away). At this point, don't faint, just walk calmly to the counter and get your order. DO NOT ask him questions like "Where is the other Dosa?".The worst thing to say is "This is not what I ordered". The response could be anything from Dosa in your face or sambar on your pants - I recommend you just pick whatever he gives you and enjoy it.

Rule # 7 - This is important. You are given one small bowl of sambar and an even smaller bowl of chutney with every order. Now, this is considered complementary, so NEVER EVER go back for more sambar. If you dare ask, you WILL be scolded like your parents never did, reminding you of them and also making you miss them more. Although it is difficult, try not to cry. Btw, crying doesn't help either.

All said and done guys, believe me the dosa here is worth every penny and every ounce of effort that goes into earning it. With this post I just shared a lighter moment as I recollect my experiences at this place which I still vouch makes the best dosas around here in New Jersey. 

I guess I can sum it up with this comment that another customer made privately to me as we were leaving after a nice breakfast - "Jagdeep bhai, 3 dollar ke dosa ke liye, itna naatak?" (So much drama for a $3 dosa !)